I wasn’t expecting for you to come into my life the way you did. It was sudden yet at the same time, it was exciting. Before you, I wasn’t looking for love. When love found me, I wanted to look for another thing. I was looking for someone who’s willing to take every risks and chances for me, to be with me. I wasn’t looking for someone who can make me feel special, but I found you. We were never technically in a relationship, but we weren’t just friends either. We both know it was something “more than just friends”. So it’s kinda like we got stuck in the middle of the confusing area of being almost in a relationship, but not quite.
You have the kind of look and smile that can make my heart melt, that can make anyone feel special. And I hate it, I want you to smile just for me. I want you to look at me as if I’m the one made for you. I want you to hold me in your arms as if it’s our last day on earth, like there’s no tomorrow. I want you to see me as the one you’ll always have a thing for, as someone you’ll always love. Because that is how I see you. I always wish that I could stop the time every time we are together.
“Sometimes, you don’t know where you stand but you know that everything feels so damn good, you settle with that instead of the stress of an actual relationship.”
I don’t know where it all went wrong, or if it ever really went right. I thought and hoped that what we had was something that will last for a long time. I want to thank you, because you have helped me realize some things that I should’ve realized it before, how to open up, how to be vulnerable, and how to move on from things and people who are not meant for me.
Thank you for not being so emotionally attached. As I look back, I don’t know if you really cared for me the way I care for you. But, because of this, you taught me how to care about a person wholeheartedly & selflessly, without needing unwavering reciprocation.
You said and did things to make me happy, feel special. From then on, I knew I fell for you. One day, I met you and fell for you. The best thing is that you fell for me, too. It happened so fast and I woke up from that dream. I woke up and realized that I can’t be with you, that I can’t have you and it’s not because we don’t love each other, maybe because our timing wasn’t just right.
Thank you for acting like you were going to become my boyfriend and acting like you wanted me to be your girlfriend, for acting as if we were actually going to start a “real relationship”.
Thank you for making me believe that the connection between us was something real and meaningful. Thank you for making me believe that you actually liked me, for making me feel loved even for a short period of time.
Thank you for bringing that smile in my face that I haven’t seen for a while. Even for a moment, I felt like I was enough. Thank you for loving me, for showing me that my heart is still capable of feeling something. Thank you for giving me the courage to opening it back up again, and to take my chances on love again.
We were both scared and had doubts. I’m scared of the past repeating itself. I’m scared that one day you won’t feel the same way, that you will disappear. You were scared of lot of things, too. I had doubts and thoughts that I chose to ignore and avoid just enough to let you in and find out for myself.
I became attached to you. I don’t know if you were even worried about me; you knew I wasn’t going anywhere. You knew that I’ll always be here. You knew that I cared, a lot. I always made sure I was doing everything I could to make you feel wanted, special and appreciated. I put so much effort into what I thought was a future. It was more than enough, but it wasn’t what you wanted for now. I was so invested in you, in us.
The label, or lack thereof, also made you think it was okay to lie and give me mixed signals, by the time you decided this wasn’t what you wanted for now, as if that constituted a break-up in our situation.
Now, if somewhere down the road you come up in a casual talk with other people, you’ll just be “the close friend I had feelings for” You will never be the ex-boyfriend, and maybe that’s a good thing. They won’t know how much I felt in the past months, or how much it hurts to let go, and maybe that will help me to accept it for what it truly was.
Maybe the timing wasn’t right after all, our timing.. Maybe you weren’t matured enough to commit and to handle this kind of relationship. Maybe it was just not meant to be, for now. Maybe years later, we could try again and it will be different. Someday, it might work out the way we wanted it to be.